Whether you probably did the newest throwing or you were the newest dumpee , saying goodbye to the person you’re pretty sure was your soul mate hurts like hell. And while we’d like to think it’ll never happen to us,

is a major plot line in intimate comedies, nation music, and sugar-free gum commercials, so don’t worry-you’re not the only person trying to figure out how to get your ex back. It’s a popular trope for a reason, folks.

But before you intoxicated text message your ex lover or send them all the “12 Days of Christmas” gifts like in that episode of Work, you need to do a little internal work to figure out why things didn’t work out in the first place, explains sex educator Liz Powell, PsyD, author of Building Unlock Dating . “Sometimes the timing was off, but sometimes a partner doesn’t work for us because we’re not a fit in general.”

Things like infidelity, betrayal, or a lack of trust are all pretty good reasons to keep your ex firmly in the past, says licensed ily therapist Payal Patel, no matter how hot/funny/a during intercourse they are. “It’s much easier to focus on the best parts of a relationship when you’re not actually interacting with that person every day,” adds Powell, so you have to strip back those feel-good memories to really remember the root of your breakup before proceeding.

Also important to remember: “There are millions and millions of amazing people out there, so you don’t have to assume you’ve already met your other half,” says Powell. With tons of relationships software and first-date information, don’t feel like you have to settle for a shitty ex just because you’re currently single.

However,! For people who just can’t move an impact that ex boyfriend you are going to you should be the new Jim towards Pam, we questioned a bunch of relationships pros what you need to envision while contemplating “catching up” for the kids whoever name’s on your mobile phone given that Create Maybe not Text message. Realize cautiously, twice, before hitting-up their previous fire.

1. Have a look at oneself.

Very first one thing very first: Just take an effective sec to seriously browse inward-we have been talking wishes, needs, wants, and you will exact life phase. Discover a positive change anywhere between making-up having anybody given that you may be lonely and since you really like him or her, demonstrates to you Patel. In reality, more often than not, we obtain so shed within our very own details from what we should thought was good for united states that people never in reality think in the event it is sensible, contributes Powell.

Do you has just begin an alternative occupations? In the center of a giant functions project? Experience a unique lack of another area of your life? Our very own emotions was difficult, and sometimes worry various other portion normally affect our judgment. In addition to that, nevertheless can lead that agree to anything (such looking to again which have an old boyfriend) you don’t now have the brand new mental or mental capability to take on. Consider whether or not you’re prepared to getting a great, healthy partner before also considering reconnecting. If you’re unable to arrive completely today, there isn’t any reason for seeking change a bond. Faith us, it will save your self men and women many heartbreak fundamentally.

2. View your relationships sitch.

Looking to get right back together with your ex if you’re unmarried is something, however, impact in that way when you find yourself matchmaking anyone the newest try an effective whole almost every other. Luckily for us, it’s very normal having *some* ongoing emotions for your ex boyfriend, even after you’ve managed to move on, Powell demonstrates to you. And people unexpected yearnings or happy recollections aren’t necessarily reason sufficient in order to DM your ex lover, they say, you need to view just what potential you’re considering him/her into the.